Patience

Dear The Impatient Jackass behind me at a light.

Sir, I understand that the light turned green a millisecond ago, and I apologize that I haven't peeled out of the intersection fast enough for you. However I must implore you not to honk your horn at me exactly half a second after the light changes. (Yes it was half a second, and I'm being generous.) I will explain why I don't jump on my accelerator when the light changes. First there are still cars in the intersection, I don't want to hit them, call me crazy, but I don't want to be in an accident. Second squealing out of an intersection is lame, I try not to do it. Third, it's surprisingly easy for me to squeal on out, you see I drive a hemi, and if I jump on the accelerator from a dead stop there will be squealing. Finally I care about my car, if I floor it out of every intersection I will need new tired ever 20,000 miles. (The last guy that owned the car owned it for 20, 000 miles and the back tires were bald, he was the original owner.) So Mr. Late-Model-Civic just wait. You will have noticed that once I get my tires rolling I quickly make my way down the street. (After all I do enjoy the hemi). In any case if you care to debate this further, meet me at the next light and I will demonstrate just how small your penis is, 'cause a Dodge Magnum with a hemi will always beat a 4 banger. Every. Time. Just like rock beats scissors.
So in order to save your masculinity, let the girl in the really hot car drive responsibly, and you, be patient.

Thank you,
The girl in the smokin' hot Magnum.

Shopper Abuse

Dear Obnoxious Canvasser at the grocery store:

You accosted me last night while I was on a quick trip to the store for a few dinner essentials. You said that you were collecting signatures to prevent cruelty to animals. You said that I should write my local politician and sign your petition, which I agreed to after I told you that I was a Canadian citizen, although an American resident. You replied with: "Well they don't need to know that." So I agreed to sign, mostly I was anxious to get away from you as you breathed your smoky breath on me and made me queasy. I asked which organization you were affiliated with, since your sign said only 'stop animal abuse.' You snarled at me that you just want to stop animal cruelty, I commented that there was no reason for you to be like that to me. You informed me that you are a New Yorker and all New Yorkers are like that, then you proceeded to snap at the man currently signing your "petition", and he cracked a knowing smile. Then you told me that you need ten dollars for me to sign it. I told you that I don't carry cash, you asked me to check, I found two singles and gave them to you, then you demanded that I look for more, because you need at least three dollars for me to sign. I told you that I don't have any more cash and I left.

Once inside I realized that you are most likely a fraud. Your "petition" had one name on it, and it was being done on a plain piece of paper. Hardly official. Furthermore you were rude to me, which isn't an effective way to get anything. In reality I should have marched my flip flop wearing ass back over to you and took my two dollars back. I hope that you and your accomplice were shut down sooner than later. If you were official and not a scam, then think, more bees with honey than vinegar!

sincerly,
TweedleDea



Dear Albertsons:

See above.

TD